You know what else I'm thankful for? C-section stories. Positive, uplifting, encouraging c-section stories. My browser has been locked onto them as well. I now have a back up list of questions to ask my OB, things to take to the hospital, and ideas on recovery. It took me a week to be able to Google anything about C-sections without crying.
I've heard this over and over again and no matter how reassuring people try to sound it's not really working: Well, all that matters is a healthy baby.
Um, duh! Yes, that's what matters to me, but you know what also matters? The birth experience. Am I ready to adjust my expectations? Truly. Am I ok with a c-section if he does not turn around? Yes, or I'm getting there slowly. Does it mean that I don't get to grieve the feeling of pushing out my baby and having them plop him down, having our eyes meet for the first time, me reaching out with no encumbrances to touch him to pull him to me? Does it mean I have to give up the memories I have of having Lily, getting out of bed right away with minimal pain and taking care of my baby? NO! I get to grieve the loss of all of that. I get to grieve the new direction my birth experience seems to be going in. I am so thankful that people are working to find the right words to say and ya know what, if all you've got is, "All that matters is a healthy baby!" I will smile at you, nod my head, and graciously accept your encouragement- on the outside. On the inside my heart will break a little bit. I won't hold it against you. I know what you mean when you say that. I know you care about me and my little boy. I know you just don't understand how much it hurts.
I've struggled with feelings of guilt. I've faced infertility. Nine years of infertility. I've faced the hurt of miscarriages. I've lost a baby and a fallopian tube at the same time and it was traumatic. Shouldn't I just be thankful I'm about to have a healthy little boy to love on? Should I be worried about how he gets here? I've decided that it's ok for me to be sad about not having the birth experience I want. I still want my baby here, heathy, and whole. If it means they have to pull him out of me via c-section it's ok. I'm still going to cry though. I'm going to be sad. It'll last a little while, but then one day I'll be ok. I'll look into my son's eyes and know that however he got here I'm just grateful he's here.
So that's what is going on with me and baby number 7. He should be here in just a few more weeks. I'll let you know just how he gets here. ;)
1 comment:
Congratulations! I have not been keeping up with your blog for a while. I missed your entire pregnancy! LOL We are surprised and delighted to be expecting our 8th child in November. If I had to face a c-section after 7 "natural" deliveries, I would have so many of the very same thoughts and feelings as you expressed. On the other hand, I remind myself how very, very blessed I've been in regards to those deliveries. Can't wait to hear of his arrival!
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